Issue 1

Founding Proclamation of Roundabout

Aristidis Myrmidon

Aristidis Myrmidon

— 2 min read
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FOUNDING PROCLAMATION OF ROUNDABOUT

Issued by the Office of Commissioner Aristidis Myrmidon (Retired, DG BUDG)
Through the offices of Madame Oksana Graticula

Whereas the institutions of the European Union generate approximately 94 legislative proposals, 94 impact assessments, 94 stakeholder consultations and 94 reports on the outcomes of previous reports, none of which are read in full by anyone, including their authors, who in several documented cases have not read each other's either;

Whereas all of the above is conducted in a city of 194 accredited journalists, in the presence of none of them, the greater part being engaged at the time in a panel discussion on the future of journalism in Europe;

Whereas there exists, in the corridors of these institutions, a class of person — the spokesperson, the deputy head of unit for strategic communications — who has elevated the act of saying nothing into a salaried profession, and who regards the question "but what actually occurred?" as not merely impertinent but, in at least one written complaint to the Commissioner's office, potentially defamatory;

Whereas Commissioner Aristidis Myrmidon (retired, DG BUDG), on the fourteenth day of July last, arrived at Briefing Room B of the Berlaymont with a coffee that was cold before the first slide appeared, and sat for ninety minutes while a spokesperson explained, at length and with visual aids consisting of a timeline in which 2019 and 2026 were represented by identical arrows pointing toward a horizon labelled "finalisation," why a regulation concerning the maximum permitted curvature of agricultural drainage conduits, or a matter of broadly similar significance, which had been "almost finalised" in 2019 remained "almost finalised" in 2026, and not one of the thirty-nine journalists present asked a question that had not been submitted in writing forty-eight hours previously, and the Commissioner formed, at that moment, certain views;

Whereas this publication will not submit its questions forty-eight hours in advance, will not refer to a conflict of interest as a "prior professional relationship," and will not, under any circumstances, use the word "stakeholder" except as an indication that the author has been paid to do so, which will be disclosed in a footnote;†

It is hereby proclaimed, through the offices of Madame Oksana Graticula, that Roundabout shall henceforth publish, fortnightly, what actually happened. The Commissioner regrets he cannot be held responsible for the consequences, nor for any distress caused to persons who have, until now, preferred not to know.

† The footnote system is currently under review pending an impact assessment, expected Q3 2027.

Madame Oksana Graticula is Personal Assistant to Commissioner Myrmidon and has signed all correspondence on his behalf since 2004. The Commissioner is available for comment but is currently in consultations.

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